Article in the Observer, summer 1998
Nature serves man, and any wild animal that threatens us or which cannot be proven to perform economically or aesthetically should be eradicated
John Vidal
THERE are 440,000 promiscuous, dangerous badgers out there threatening people’s health and undermining the economic interests of farmers but Labour has only chosen to cull 12,000. This is a mistake.
The answer is to exterminate brock. This would save the NHS and the taxpayer money, and signal once and for all that government is on the side of business.
Indeed, we should scientifically purge all wildlife. Scientists have shown that all animals carry threatening viruses and bacteria, Birds and mammals defecate everywhere, shellfish poison people, rats and mice carry TB. Research on otters, moles, voles, stoats and weasels is equally alarming.
New Labour has done its bit to make us more fearful of nature, but the public is still not fully aware of the risks. Last week there were reports of sea creatures stealing people’s memories; razorfish booby-trapping beaches; an exploding rat population and hordes of baby-eating mink on the loose. This cannot go on.
Nature serves man, and any wild animal that threatens us or which does not have proven economic or aesthetic value should be eradicated.
The list is long: birds and insects threaten crops; rabbits steal grass; bats, moths, flies wasps, frogs, snakes, mice, beetles, mosquitoes, midges, fleas and dragonflies figure in no economic accounts. We do not need wasps, sorfly, maggots, or tics, let alone invertebrates and amphibians.
In fact, nature now holds back progress. Birds cause aircraft to crash; we spend millions disinfecting water supplies, and animal farts cause global warming.
We learn the true danger of nature only with scientific experimentation. New Labour should act on the precautionary principle and exterminate the lot.
Besides, most animals are dirty, unpredictable and kill and fornicate at will. They set bad examples for people in an increasingly ordered society which already has to combat new waves of pornography and violence. Nature has had millions of years to adapt, but has failed.
To eradicate wildlife would do nature a service. Animals are dangerous to themselves, killing each other regularly. The most successful – pigs, sheep, cattle and fowl – prove nature now needs man to survive. As it is, butterflies spend much time inefficiently flapping their wings, birds fly in circles rather than straight lines; and some animals sleep for months. Moreover, research shows that animals do not always care for their young. Many die in infancy and life expectancy is low. Much wildlife is also mentally ill-equipped to cope with today’s stresses.
Farmed animals need extra protection because they benefit us. People die from eating infected cows, chickens and sheep, but this is because they are allowed contact with killer bugs. Keeping animals in germ-free environments would eliminate risk and allow them to live longer.
Fortunately, policies for the eradication of wildlife are in place. All Labour needs do is intensify its systematic denudation of the land with its farm and transport policies. We are well on the way to eliminating thousands of species, but we can go faster.
Starting at the bottom of the food chain, Labour should pass laws to force landowners and gardeners to sterilise with weedkillers and insecticides all wildlife habitats.
More money could be invested in genetic engineering to produce bird and insect-resistant crops, flowers and plants. Future farming will not need snails, slugs, worms, birds or microbes.
But New Labour should recognise that people have irrational attachments to some animals. It should propose hi-tech responses to people’s emotional needs, issuing licenses for companies to broadcast birdsong and animal noises from hilltops and hedgerows.
Wildlife is now incompatible with human aspirations. It has served Britain badly and progress now depends on eliminating the risks that science shows it poses. A sanitised, wildlife-free environment is the least we can provide for our children.